Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Why is the carpet all wet, Todd?

This is only kidding, but seriously.

This is article will not change your life in any drastic way. It's not the five secrets of organization to make the season run smoother. It's not a list of do's and don'ts that will prevent you from having any socially awkward moments during these few weeks of rekindled casual friendships and former family meetings. The fact is you can't avoid a bit of tension and confusion when you're spending time with people you only see once a year or possibly every other year. These are just a couple of simple tips to help you pass over those uncomfortable moments as quickly and as effortlessly as possible.

The first thing you need to do is develop a fast acting, believable, half smile. Train yourself to flash this facade anytime someone says something that you don't understand. If they were trying to be funny, they'll think you acknowledged their humor. If they were trying to brag, they'll think you were impressed. If they were sharing some terribly private information about how their husband doesn't knows they once married a Jamacian national on Spring Break , they'll think you don't know what to say. This reflex will instantly slide you past about half of your slippery Christmas situations. Be careful not to make it too big because it won’t believable. You might also toss your head back in delight and squint your eyes, or forcefully exhale through your nose to indicate laughter. Experienced yuletide eluders will keep all of these tactics on a rotation to maintain believability.

The second thing you need to do is learn how to set your phone to vibrate every ten to fifteen minutes. This can be done by setting an alarm and continuing to push snooze or by leaving yourself a voicemail and not checking it. Some phones have event calendars that can be easily manipulated to buzz this often. The purpose of this deliberate distraction is to provide an easy escape from any situation. Say your at the company Holiday party, and Ted from shipping starts prodding about whether or not you think the company is being managed properly. You know that his uncle is married to the boss’ cousin and that there is no right answer. Just give it a few generic answers to stall for the alarm, and suddenly your mother is calling and you’ll have to take because your expecting news about whether or not Aunt Rita will hang on long enough for Christmas this year. Who can argue with a ringing cell phone? As long as you keep a concerned look on your face, you’re free to exit the conversation with no more than a nodding head and a nervously extended index finger.

If there is one thing for sure, the Holidays are a rush of excitement and pleasure. But there is no way around cordially acknowledging the existence of someone you haven’t spoken to in years. It’s not that you have anything to talk about, but they want to know that you would still be close friends if you hadn’t moved to another office, or company, or state, or spent the last six Christmases with your in-laws. You can help yourself through the holidays by conceding with a smile that you have in fact seen this person once before in an elevator, and rushing off to answer an ever important phone call. Just remember, their phone probably isn’t ringing either.